thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Mom said you looked used
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
