Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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