she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
