so explain again why im purple
no
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize