Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
