Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I AM VODKA MAN
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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