the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
