i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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