Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
