I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
