A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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