My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
