i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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