So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
