Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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