so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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