Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
