People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
