Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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