I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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