where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
