The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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