You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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