You made me cry and you don't even care
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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