Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize