You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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