i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
