Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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