I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
