I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
