god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
