he told me I talked like a deaf person
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
