i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
