Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
