nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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