Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
