theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
