she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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