Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Randomize