I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
