tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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