you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
