i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
