I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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