At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You are the jesus of drinking
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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