You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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