My Higher Power is John Stamos
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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