He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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