God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
