I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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