life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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