So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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