My Higher Power is John Stamos
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
