ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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