I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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