my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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