I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
