Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
