me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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