The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
