He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Walk of Shame today included voting.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
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