: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
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