Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
