Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
